The Art of a True Apology…. What listening to an enlightening podcast between Brene Brown and Harriet Lerner can give you?

As many of you are aware, I recently attended a facilitated course based on Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”, called “The Daring Way”. I have taken such a lot from this course, and one thing in particular is that it’s given me an appetite to learn more about her research and subjects that sit on the periphery of her findings around shame, vulnerability and empathy. I have downloaded Brene’s podcasts called “Unlocking Us!” and back in May 2020, she ran through a two parter called “I’m Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters” where she talked with renowned psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Harriet Lerner about how to say those two difficult words “I’m Sorry!”. 

You may wonder why a Business and Executive Coach is talking about apologies, but what resonated with me as I listened to these as I was out running is that, as Brene says, people seem to have been apologising a lot more while we have been in lockdown, and I really agree with that observation. However, if you are saying those two little words, it’s so important that you really mean it! The main premise of the podcast was for them to discuss role play apology scenarios to enable the listener to understand how you could apologise more effectively. In my role, I have recently heard about lots of work situations where the tensions of dealing with working remotely for example have caused unexpected conflict, and therefore understanding how to apologise in a good way so that you can move on together in a work context… and maybe you can translate tis into your home life too! 

 Dr Lerner identifies that there are 9 Essential Ingredients to a True Apology… these include: 

• Don’t include a “but”, as this means you are trying to justify what you said 

• Not asking the hurt party to do anything, even forgive, and that is essential for the apology to be validated 

• Accepting responsibility for any mistakes made 

• Aiming not to blame nor shame 

I’ve attached the full list of Essential Ingredients so you can take a look at them in more detail. 

There were a couple of key elements that I took from the discussions, apart from the Essential Ingredient list: 

 • When you receive an apology that is whole hearted, it can help you feel safe, enable you to let go more easily and help to re-establish the relationship. 

• You have to accept that sometimes you are not going to receive an apology, and that says more about the individual’s own self worth than anything about yourself. Sometimes it’s better to accept that you won’t receive an apology than to receive one that is not fully intentioned! 

 • The power of listening is just as important as the power of understanding. This is particularly important if someone comes to you to discuss a situation that is troubling them that they feel you are involved with. It’s important to listen well, rather than become defensive which is our typical human reaction. In such a situation, we need to invest in improving our listening skills as much as we do our talking skills, as this could improve how we interact in situations such as these.

This was a fantastic “masterclass” in the art of the apology, and has left me wanting to know more about Dr Lerner’s work. I’ll leave you with this quote: 

 “If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing”. 

If we take this on our journey as we navigate the challenges ahead, and say those two important words, “I’m Sorry” in a whole hearted way, both you and they will feel more complete.

Well, 2020 hasn’t been the year we were all expecting it to be, and recent events have shown to me the importance of trying to achieve a more balanced lifestyle going forward. I think reflecting on how you can find better balance is really important in the current circumstances, and ensuring you reflect on your whole self and not just the areas that create noise for you at the current time is crucial.   

The Wheel of Life can be used as a Reflection Tool for individuals to understand how they can better balance their lives. The visual nature of the tool enables people to view themselves and their lives in a more interesting way than just talking about it. Life is always going to keep pulling you in different directions. One day the most important thing may be family, the next day, Work. A Wheel of Life is the starting point for getting clear on what matters most to you in your life, seeing if anything is out of balance and deciding what needs to be done to close the gap between your current situation and your ideal one. When you first do the exercise on your current state, don’t be afraid if you have a “Wonky Wheel”!

So, what exactly do you need to do?  

• Create your Wheel (there are many templates available via search engines, but here’s one above)
• Identify your areas of focus – I normally suggest 8 sectors and these can cover any number of areas for example: Career, Health, Personal Growth, Partner, Me, Family, Fun, Recreation, Hobbies, Friends, Spirituality, Giving, Attitude  
• Review your Current and Future State – Mark out of 10 as to where you see your current state, and then where you would like to see your future state. You need to be clear on where you are in your current situation, in order to assess where you should go, and rank as follows: 0 = completely unsatisfied to 10 = completely satisfied. Then in the Future, reflect on where you’d like to see it. If you are struggling to decide, ask yourself some questions around the sector i.e. for career, am I earning enough etc.  

Once you’ve drawn up your current and future wheel, you need to identify the goals you need to work on to move from the current state to the future state. You should generate explicit action plans by sector to move you from your current state to your future state. If you struggle to do this, think about using the following questions:  

• What is the smallest thing I could do to make progress in this area of my life immediately?
• What would i need to do to get to a rating of 10 out of 10"?
• What is one big thing that I know I need to do in this area of my life to make progress, but what is holding me back?

Why don’t you take some time out of your day, decide on the key areas of focus for yourself, and generate and then review your wheel? It could open up a better understanding of yourself and what matters most to you. I’d love to hear from those of you who complete the exercise, and how you found visually reviewing your wheel, rather than discussing the issues without this tool.  Enjoy drawing up your wheels!